The Voice Presents The Final Four

Dear Producers Of The Voice,

Hi. It's nice to (theoretically) meet you. I've been watching for a while now, and, in general, I like the whole setup that you're working with. I'm not a huge fan of the auditions, but I get it: you've got weeks of airtime to fill. Which is why this sudden death-style semi-final leaves me with some questions. Like, how much pressure did you get from the NBC execs to pimp out Dolly Parton? Did she apply those patchwork appliqués to her guitar herself? And -- please be honest here -- she really had never seen an episode before she "advised" the Top 9, right? Cause I just don't believe that she sits at home in her sheer lace flare pants week after week to see Adam flirt with Blake. Also, while we're on the topic of distractions, why bring back Cassadee Pope? My love Chris Jamison would have been a much more fun choice.

But I digress. What I really want to know, dear producers, is why is the Venn diagram of Final Four voters and Donald Trump supporters a circle? Have you noticed this? Cause I have, and it makes me really glad that there's no Twitter save in the general presidential election. Have you considered tweaking your model at all? I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe if you put a moratorium on the classic pandering anthems (read: any popular song about Jesus), it might help. Or, maybe take some airtime away from the silly elimination shows and actually spend some time allowing your audience to get to know the performers. I have a working theory that no one would vote for Barrett if they were just slight more exposed to his innate obnoxiousness.

Basically, what I'm saying this: your show needs to be less like melba toast. I am not a crackpot.

Sincerely,
Stephanie

P.S. Since everything is awful, there's what I think of the Final Four:

1. Jeffery Austin

   Pro: He's got style, he's got talent, and he's got a voice that's decent enough to pull off the direction he wants to go in.
   Con: He's mildly interesting, so there's no way he can win.

   Saved By: Twitter
   Team: Gwen

2. Emily Ann Roberts

   Pro: She's gone from melba toast to dry 7 grain over the course of the season.
   Con: She's still couldn't be more boring if she tried!

   Saved By: America
   Team: Blake

3. Barrett Baber

   Pro: The longer he tortures us, the longer his kids will be provided for?
   Con: He still looks like country-fried Macklemore and sounds like poop (same thing, really).

   Saved By: America
   Team: Blake

4. Jordan Smith

   Pro: He does, legitimately, sound like he should be greeting people at the gates of St. Peter's.
   Con: I feel mean for saying this, but...he looks uncomfortably like a blend of Jonah Hill, the Penguin, and Newman from Seinfeld. It's just hard to take seriously.

   Saved By: America
   Team: Adam

What say you, dear viewers? Will you miss Amy, Braiden, Shelby, Madi, and/orZach? Who do you think will win?