The Voice Ends With One Winner, Three Losers, And A Little Misdemeanor

Honestly, let's just cut to the complete(ly obvious) result. Congratulations to The Voice Season 9 champion...Jordan Smith!

Not to brag or anything, but: nailed it (at least, the Jordan part). For some reason, though (read: ad dollars), we still had to sit through two hours -- three, if you count the recap -- of guest performances, unadvisable skits, and Nissan giveaways. (Don't you hate it when only the finalists get cars?) While Gwen preoccupied herself with a series of impressive quick changes -- though I sort of hated all of her looks, except the first Black Swan-y one? -- those of us on the couch at home were left stranded with a mixed bag of awesome and exasperating.

The Highs

• Regina's and Madi's similarly flattering outfits: detailed tops, statement belts, and midi skirts in a mix of black and maroon makes for great holiday looks!

• The split-second backlighting on Ricky Skaggs's mullet, which sets it aglow like a halo of trash.

• MISSY FRIGGIN ELLIOTT, performing on the WTF Station platform, which looks like it's the subway stop for TLC's No Scrubs playground.

• Usher miming a stopwatch while Jordan holds out a ridiculously long note on their duet of "Without You."
• Tori Kelly's big hair, which I bet has a bunch of secrets.

• Wynonna Judd straight up deciding to just sing over Barrett on their duet of "No One Else On Earth."
• The excellent harmonizing on Emily Ann's girl powered bring-back performance of "Summer Nights."

• Everything about The Weeknd.

The Lows

• Blake's pairing of a suit vest and jacket with his standard Levi's is the sort of thing that would give Andre Leon Talley a heart attack, but at least it goes to show that Gwen really has spent the last few months focused on her team. Let's hope she'll get around to making him over soon.
• Barrett's reasoning for choosing to sing with Zach ("it's been a real pleasure to watch him grow before my eyes") is super-condescending, making it all the more fun to watch Zach outsing him on their duet.
• The Country Mafia skit is stupidly, stereotypically offensive.
• The dancing monkeys during Coldplay's performance, which I'd like to consciously uncouple from my brain.

• Sam Hunt dressing in the 2004 Diesel ready wear collection.

• Justin Bieber's "xlarge!" trucker hat. We've all seen the photos.

And now, here is the final power Rankling, as voted on by viewers like you:

1. Jeffery Austin

   Most Likely To: Go back to working in PR and secretly binge-watching the last season of Glee on Netflix.
   Team: Gwen

2. Barrett Baber

   Most Likely To: Be forgotten/live forever in our memory as the worse contestant in the history of The Voice.
   Team: Blake

3. Emily Ann Roberts

   Most Likely To:Be commercially successful/star as Carrie Underwood in VOD release of American Idol: The Ryan Seacrest Story
   Team: Blake

4. Jordan Smith

   Most Likely To: Become a commercially successful Christian standard crooner.
   Team: Adam

Are you surprised by the final results? Excited to be looking forward to the next set of Blind Auditions in the spring? Desperately searching for Jeffery's hair color number? Comment/snark away in the comments!