Everyone On The Voice Has An Off Night

Here's a riddle for you. What do you get when you add a country boy, a SoCal girl, a couple of broken hearts, and access to primetime television?

Answer: a performance that somehow manages to toe the line between cringeworthy and captivating. I'm not sure how Blake and Gwen manage to do it, but they sure do it well; Gwen hasn't looked or sounded so awkward since her braceface days, yet the puppy love looks Blake keeps throwing her way make all the bad parts (their entire performance) fade into the background. This may have started as a rebound relationship, but they're head over heels now. Adam better start prepping his Best Man speech.

But before those festivities, let's take a second to acknowledge a few things: Christina's new silvery lavender hair color is bangin'; Carson looks like he needs a nap, and the Top 9 apparently have decided that if they all have an off night at the same time, nothing really matters. They're probably right -- though it says something that cheesy Bryan gets the final performance slot -- but let's Rankle and judge them anyway:

1. Adam Wakefield

   Adam's been a boring one-note wonder for a while now, and this performance is just more of the same. While he does sound good on the chorus, his vocals are too often drowned out by the brass band that's supposed to be backing him. Even when you can hear him, his delivery is boring; the decorative fire lighting the stage is really the hottest thing he has going for him.

   Song: "Love Has No Pride"
   Team: Blake

2. Bryan Bautista

   Bryan's no Beyoncé, but so few are, so he gets a pass for that. Vocally, he's solid, and his upper register is impressive, but the arrangement never really builds, leaving the fog machine and Bryan's theatrics -- he falls to the floor repeatedly -- to do all the heavy lifting.

   Song: "1+1"
   Team: Christina

3. Nick Hagelin

   This is easily Nick's best performance -- he flawlessly lands both his falsetto and pirouette -- but that doesn't change the fact that he looks like a young Vanilla Ice, and some things are just unforgivable.

   Song: "Hold On, We're Going Home"
   Team: Christina

4. Hannah Huston

   Hannah's fine, but dull, which is a pretty critical mistake to make at this stage. Besides, doesn't she have toddlers to prep for finals or something?

   Song: "Say You Love Me"
   Team: Pharrell

5. Paxton Ingram

   Paxton's always been one to think outside of the box, but there are just some songs that don't need to be reimagined; had he stuck with Whitney's original arrangement, he would have earned a ton of new fans just by dancing around and staying somewhat on-key. As is, he's pitchy, disconnected, and easily outshined by the guy in the background playing the oversized horizontal rain stick. It's too little performance to justify his still being here this late in the game.

   Song: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"
   Team: Blake

6. Alisan Porter

   Alisan's every bit the pop princess here, meaning that she hits her marks and nails her vocals exactly as rehearsed. But as great as that would be if she were covering Britney, her style just doesn't have enough grit to do "Cryin'" any justice; there's no hint of Steven Tyler's raw flair to be seen. That's normally not a bad thing, but here it just makes her rigidity stand out, more so than usual.

   Song: "Cryin'"
   Team: Christina

7. Shalyah Fearing

   Shalyah's vocals are terrific as always, but the song choice betrays her: for the first time, her age works against her, and the emotion feels fake, as though she's trying to imbue the performance with feelings her grandma shared with her when originally introducing her to the song. Still, her purple and pink iridescent skirt is a marvel, and it's doubtful that she'll be going anywhere anytime soon.

   Song: "A Change Is Gonna Come"
   Team: Adam

8. Mary Sarah

   Mary Sarah (does she have a last name?) sticks to her pocket -- "My Church" is a perfect mix of modern and traditional country -- and delivers a solid performance, despite her continued mumbling. It's good, but not great, but it's still enough to put her towards the head of the pack and win her some former Hannah fans.

   Song: "My Church"
   Team: Blake

9. Laith Al-Saadi

   Laith continues to be a marvel of actual musicality, breaking out of his usual guitar and mic stand routine to show off at the piano. It's a decidedly quieter turn, which allows him to showcase his vibrato, yet the tell-tale signs of a Laith performance-- intonation, grit, and passion -- are still apparent. It's haunting, it's beautiful, and it's really, really well done.

   Song: "We've Got Tonight"
   Team: Adam

Were you not feeling any of the performances either? How long before Hannah's eliminated and Pharrell just decided to bring out a pillow and nap in between performances? And does any of this matter, since Adam Wakefield's probably going to win anyway?