The Voice Gets It Right For A Change

My Fellow Americans,

Good evening/whatever time it is that you're reading this. (Early morning conference call? Lunch break?) I write to you now, at this crucial juncture in the competition, out of sheer astonishment. For the first time in living memory, you've gotten the Twitter Save vote right. While it's true that Daniel Passino and Nick Hagelin are obviously under-talented, the mere fact that they end up as the bottom two restores my faith in the electoral process. It's a rigged voting system, sure, but at the end of the day, the opinion of every American still matters -- some just matter more than others. That's why Twitter was invented. And probably also why Carson looks so utterly exhausted: he has to count all votes by hand. Congratulations, America! I knew you could do it.

While we have to suffer through performances by both Sawyer Fredericks and DNCE before the final results, it's not all bad: it's great to see Sawyer's hair again, and "Cake By The Ocean" is actually a pretty good song. The silver beach balls the drop from the ceiling look like Warhol's Silver Clouds. It's a nice effect, and it makes me realize how much I'm going to miss these promotional performances when President Trump turns the show into a Hunger Games. I have no doubt that there will be product placements -- at least Pharrell will be able to keep his ADIDAS pants -- but it won't be the same.

Anyway, I digress. This is about celebrating the loss of Daniel Passino, which is a phrase that sounds vaguely cultlike, though that's perfect because the innocent blank expression on his face makes me suspect that he already belongs to one. Goodbye, Daniel. You lost by the widest margin in Twitter Save history (at least I think it's the widest; those bar charts showed a huge gap), so it's safe to say that you probably won't be missed.

Here is the Power Rankling of the Top 9:

Bryan Bautista

Pro: He can sing in Spanish, which is apparently a major turn-on for Christina (and Pharrell).
Con: He's absolutely the type to let fame go to his head, and I'm really not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to tolerate his stupid smile.

Saved By: America
Team: Christina
Nick Hagelin

Pro: This is a stretch, but his kid is pretty cute, so it's a bonus when he's in the audience.
Con: Still everything else, but especially the monochrome outfits.

Saved By: Twitter
Team: Christina
Hannah Huston

Pro: She's not annoying like Alisan.
Con: She's not as talented as Alisan.

Saved By: America
Team: Pharrell
Adam Wakefield

Pro: It's nice to see average guys achieve big things everyone once in a while/every damn season.
Con: The GOP has better options (jk: check your passports, people).

Saved By: America
Team: Blake
Mary Sarah

Pro: She really does have the skills to be the next Patsy Cline.
Con: She wants to be the next Carrie Underwood instead.

Saved By: America
Team: Blake
Paxton Ingram

Pro: He's so adorably excited every time he's on stage, and he's really coming into his own as a performer.
Con: Paxton still has a lot of growing to do, and Coach Blake really isn't going to be able to push him in the right direction.

Saved By: America
Team: Blake
Shalyah Fearing

Pro: Shalyah's adorable, she's bringing mustard yellow back, and she has killer vocals beyond her years.
Con: Winning The Voice would lock her into a really strict contract, and it's usually only the performers who can wiggle their way out that really make it in the long run.

Saved By: America
Team: Adam
Laith Al-Saadi

Pro: He's literally the most talented musician ever to be on The Voice.
Con: The show isn't called The Guitar.

Saved By: America
Team: Adam
Alisan Porter

Pro: Her performance this week showed that she can restrain herself when she needs to.
Con: Christina's still her coach, so the restraint might not stick.

Saved By: America
Team: Christina