Guys, I have a confession to make: earlier this evening (as I type this it's that weird time on the cusp of midnight, making it still technically Tuesday) I mistook the recap show as the final, final finale. I know, right? Rookie mistake. I shouldn't have been fooled by my TV guide, which clearly was labeled "The Voice 8-9 PM." I should have pushed the forward arrow, which would have revealed the actual 'The Voice Finale, 9-11 PM" listing.
But I just wasn't that curious and I wanted to get the inevitable over with as quickly as possible. So damn you both, Time Warner and Adam Wakefield. You've each taken a considerable measure of wonderment from me this season, and made the specific 9-11 stretch of time this evening feel like an eternity. And for what? The announcement of the Season 10 winner? 'Cause...
Look into Carson's eyes and tell him was worth it. You can't, because it definitely wasn't. But yayyy, Alisan! Don't let my grumping take away from your predetermined victory.
The Highlights
- Christina's hair extensions are a thing of wild, untamed beauty.
- Blake adorably singing yet another song about how much he loves Gwen, and Adam adorably grinning like an idiot while he watches from his big red chair. Also, the fact that Blake titled the song "She's Got A Away With Words" is fairly genius, since it provides subliminal inclination to give him a pass on the fairly terrible lyrics.
- Sia and Maddie Ziegler's performance of "Cheap Thrills." Even Sia's Lady Gaga-meets-Cousin It costuming works in context.
- Alisan's bring-back performance with the eliminated Kata Hay, Paxton Ingram, and Ryan Quinn. The arrangement is extremely generous to all three returning artists, while Alisan graciously takes a backseat. It's a good look.
- Laith's confessional, in which he reveals his grudging fondness for the hair and makeup (and beard) team.
The Lowlights*
- Story Time With Pharrell is an inappropriate misfire that introduces screaming toddlers where they're not needed.
- CeeLo, in general. His outfit makes him look like he raided the wardrobes of both Rev Run and Flava Flav and the arrangement of his duet with Hannah doesn't do either of them any favors.
- The lack of lighting during Zayn's performance. No one wants to hear him, we just want to stare at his pretty face and pretend we're Gigi for a minute.
* These are graded on a curve, since we all know the greatest lowlight of all is the missed Whitney hologram.
Here now are the Season 10 finalists, as voted by viewers (probably nothing) like you (because you and I both know Adam Wakefield doesn't deserve this):
-
Laith Al-Saadi
Most Likely To: Be (sincerely) eternally grateful for the opportunity; have a continued success via dive-bar sets and supplemental studio sessions for friends of Adam
Team: Adam -
Hannah Huston
Most Likely To: Use the royalties from her Pharrell-produced single to make her Pinterest dream home a reality before returning to teaching in the fall
Team: Pharrell -
Adam Wakefield
Most Likely To: Continue coasting through life on mediocre talent and white country-dude privilege
Team: Blake -
Alisan Porter
Most Likely To: Have a few mildly successful singles before joining the cast of a Freeform sitcom because the stability is easier on her family; become the most successful Voice in the show's history
Team: Christina
Were you surprised by any of the results? Annoyed by Adam's continued, inexplicable-save-for-West-Virginia success? Confused by Pharrell's suddenly blonde head? Comment away!