Well, well, well, look who's bringing back the Spice Girl vibes. It's Miley and Alicia, ya'll! They're tag-teaming Adam and Blake like there's no tomorrow, amplifying fellow kickass female performers, and even calling on Dolly Parton for some backup. It's hilarious to watch the boys club be so thoroughly dismantled, and even more gratifying because you get the sense that Blake truly doesn't get what's going on; his only reaction is to be scared of Sophia Urista. At least Adam seems to accept performers passing on his team (though, isn't that the storyline they go with around this time every season anyway?) On to the Rankling!
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Katie Colosimo
Katie's pitchy and emotional, but at least she has a super-cool cream blazer with leopard lining, shiny golden hair, and a gig at Miss Kitty's Bark and Breakfast, a luxury dog and cat resort. Nothing is as soothing as a warm puppy.
Song: "Stone Cold"
Team: N/A -
Nathalie Vincent
Nathalie has great, raw talent, but she's just not ready for the show. Her voice is powerful, but she has little control over it, and her arrangement is too rushed. But if she puts in the time, she could be a powerhouse one day.
Song: "Hold Back The River"
Team: N/A -
Brendan Fletcher
Oh, Brandon. I don't care that your tone is soothing or that your hand was adorably shaking from nerves. Your declaration that, at age twenty-six, you're "not getting any younger" coupled with your immediate eagerness to let the coaches know that you live in Brooklyn kills any goodwill I might have felt toward you.
Song: "Jolene"
Team:Adam -
Andrew DeMuro
Andrew's basically that annoying guy at your office who loves a good karaoke night, because it's the one thing he's truly average at. That's not to say he's bad -- he tone is really reminiscent of Train's Patrick Monahan -- but he's clearly covering a song, rather than performing his own take. It's surprising (and desperate?) that both Adam and Blake turn for him, but if anyone can take an average white guy and make him insufferable, it's Adam, so maybe Andrew has a shot anyway.
Song: "Vienna"
Team: Adam -
Dan Shafer
Dan's an adorable older gentleman, with a nice tone and good vocal control, though he could stand to work on his falsetto. It's almost sad to think that Blake will probably cut him the first chance he gets.
Song: "Marry Me"
Team: Blake -
Ethan Tucker
Let's forget about Ethan, because he's forgettable, and focus on the blatant way that Blake trades on Gwen's reggae and ska cred in order to woo Ethan to his team. It's pathetic and pathetically lazy at the same time; dude has been a coach since Season 1, so there's absolutely no excuse for the fact that he hasn't put in the time and done his homework to brush up on literally any other genre of music, save his precious country. Do you think he'd even credit Gwen if Ethan won this thing (which he won't)? My guess is no.
Song: "Roxanne"
Team: Blake -
Billy Gilman
Billy's a former child star (he was nominated for a Grammy!) who took some time away from country music to "deal with being gay," though that's an actual quote and not a euphemism for conversation therapy. This new, more self-actualized Billy is finally going for his lifelong goal of being a pop star, kicking things off by making the cardinal mistake of covering Adele. It's fine -- Billy smartly changes the key -- but it doesn't hide the fact that his tone is squeaky and irksome.
Song: "When We Were Young"
Team: Adam -
Lauren Diaz
Lauren's vocals are solid, but it's sort of a concern that she's a hardcore Alicia fangirl? She literally used to dress up like her! Let's hope security is on standby, because I don't think she's the type to go quietly when her time comes.
Song: "If I Ain't Got You"
Team: Alicia -
Wè McDonald
Hey, Wè (pronounced "Way") actually gets screen time! The contrast between her Mickey Mouse-like speaking voice and her deep, husky singing voice is pretty comical, but the tone of both manages to be just this side of acceptably sharp. I'm not sold on yet around round of "let's all bond about bullying," but as long as Wè keeps singing like she does on "Feeling Good," it won't be a problem.
Song: "Feeling Good"
Team: Alicia -
Sophia Urista
Sophia's a burlesque host, and she has the style to prove it. Aside from her hot plum velvet leggings and cropped leather jacket, she commands the stage with her performance of "Come Together" by -- pardon a white girl for saying this -- putting enough stank on her vocals to scare the bejesus out of Blake. The female empowerment banter that follows is awesome, and her choosing Coach Miley clearly identifies her as someone who thinks outside of the box. Something about her is electric, and that makes her extra fun.
Song: "Come Together"
Team: Miley -
Sa'rayah
W-o-w. Sa'rayah is special. She kills it from the second she opens her mouth (or is it from the second she puts on that amazing flowy peach pantsuit?), singing with a passion that she says comes from watching her family struggle in the projects. It's 100% intense -- she could maybe work on her performance pacing -- but her vibrato is to die for. Choosing Miley as her coach is brave, and it will be exciting to see what they come up with.
Song: "Drown In My Own Tears"
Team: Miley