Hi there. Welcome to this Rankling. Take a seat, get comfy. We need to talk about how Blake Shelton is a misogynist dick, so we might be here awhile. I know, and I'm sorry. It's a topic I've purposely avoided -- because who really has the time when Adam's just so pretty to look at and fun to make fun of? -- but I can't ignore it any longer. His treatment of Miley is over the line, and it would just be wrong not to say something about it.
Did you see him straight-up taking out a megaphone in order to speak over her? Or following up by putting on earmuffs to block out her commentary? It's like he's getting coaching from extreme deplorables that even Trump managed to fire. How did Miley (or Alicia, or Adam, or any of the stupid producers) stand for this? We shouldn't have to put up with his stupid face, much less his stupid one-note team, and his "jokes" have got to goooooooo. Ugh.
Anyway, here's how the night's performances Rankle:
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Samantha Landrum
If we're judging all shower singers in America, Samantha's great. Unfortunately for her, we're not. Her tone is cute enough, but her weak and inconsistent delivery costs her chair turns (while, thankfully, also saving us all from more of her faux suede fringe vest).
Song: "Man I Feel Like A Woman"
Team: N/A -
Michael Sanchez
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if someone auditioned with a jazz song while cosplaying Rob Kardashian? Well, now you know.
Song: "Use Me"
Team: Alicia -
Gabriel Violett
Gabriel's claim to fame came as an original cast member in Broadway's Spring Awakening, but I saw that show with the OG cast, and he's not that memorable. For a Broadway singer, he's mumbly, though he does perform with a fun energy. The arrangement isn't anything notable, making this special snowflake's future sort of questionable.
Song: "Treat You Better"
Team: Alicia -
Josh Gallagher
Josh is a TOTAL LOSER who blew his college baseball scholarship because he FAILED classes, and his reason for choosing Blake is basically, "Me boy. Blake boy. Good." What a jerkface.
Song: "Stay A Little Longer"
Team: Blake -
Darby Walker
Darby and her grandma's embroidered floral vest try to do too much, when they might be better served by subtlety instead (though I guess that's not exactly the name of the game when you're auditioning for Miley Cyrus). Darby's tone is sweet, but the intimidating arrangement of the piece doesn't do her any favors; while her falsetto is nice, she's weaker in her upper register and it shows. Yet for some reason, she creates a competition that sees both Miley and Alicia rushing onstage to sing with her. Maybe something was lost between the room and the TV, but we'll have to wait and see.
Song: "Stand By Me"
Team: Miley -
Austin Allsup
Oh, great. Another mumbly member of Team Blake. Just what we all needed.
Song: "Wild Horses"
Team: Blake -
Khaliya Kimberlie
Khailya's young, cute, twangy, and poppy, but she's going to need to stick to her pocket because she doesn't have much more than those four adjectives going for her. She mumbles throughout her performance, though it is delivered with a good energy. She's young -- like 16-years-old young -- so there's at ton of room for improvement, but she's going to need some serious discipline to make it through Battles.
Song: "Dibs"
Team: Miley -
Cooper Bascom
Cooper's cute, and he has a great energy to his performance, making the lack of chair turns baffling, because he's easily one of the night's better white guys with a guitar. Maybe his Mumford-y vibe was too exotic for Blake? For shame.
Song: "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"
Team: N/A -
Halle Tomlinson
Halle's great, but she's also over-rehearsed, with an arrangement that has all the trappings of the precocious child star she sort of is. Still, that exact personality works for Selena Gomez, so sure, why not. Welcome to the season, Halle. You'll never be a Demi, but maybe we can find a nice Canadian for you (not Drake).
Song: "New York State Of Mind"
Team: Alicia -
Simone Gundy
Simone's an excellent singer, and not too shabby a performer either. Her range is impressive, as is her controlled stamina, and she works the stage well, pulling off a clearly rehearsed, though well-constructed performance. She's comfortable, but she's going to need to challenge herself more (or hope Adam does) in the next round to really break out and go big.
Song: "I (Who Have Nothing)"
Team: Adam -
Aaron Gibson
On the surface, Aaron is just another WGWG, but his incredible arrangement of a karaoke standard immediately makes him a serious contender. The slowed-down pacing adds a level of melancholy that perfectly compliments his growly tone; it comes together to sound like Eddie Vedder doing an REM cover. Aaron manages to actually enunciate too -- which is a rarity -- though he could stand to emote a smidge bit more. If he did, tears could definitely flow.
Song: "Losing My Religion"
Team: Miley -
Nolan Neil
Nolan's a repeat from last season, where he didn't make it past the Blinds due to poor song choice. But he's back with a vengeance, and that vengeance's name is Elton John. It's quite something to see a huge dude belt out "Tiny Dancer" with such awesome abandon, but its goofy concept only belies exactly how awesome it is. This dude is something different. He's fun.
Song: "Tiny Dancer"
Team: Adam
As always, honorable mentions to the montaged Christian Fermin and Preston James, who also have the (mis)fortune of joining Team Blake. We'll maybe meet you one day.