The Voice's Battles Begin

Joan Jett, Sammy Hagar, Bette Midler, and Charlie Puth walk onto set. That's not the set-up to a bad joke, it's what actually happens this week, as we venture into the Battles. And you have to ask: how do the producers come up with this stuff? Some of the pairings, like Joan Jett with Team Miley and Sammy Hagar with Team Adam, make sense if you squint your eyes and tilt your head -- Miley and Adam really do see themselves as rock stars, after all -- but questions still linger. Who is Charlie Puth? Why is Alicia friggin' Keys talking advice from someone born in the '90s? And has Blake ever even seen Hocus Pocus? In the end, of course it doesn't matter, as the wrong people get crowned Battle winners for the weirdest reasons anyway. Here's the Rankling of the inaugural Battles:

1. Andrew DeMuro vs. Billy Gilman
   Song: "Man In The Mirror"
   Team: Adam

   Billy's the consummate child star, and poor Andrew never really stands a chance. Still, he goes out on a high note (not literally), having fun with his time onstage, and proving magnetic to watch. It's not enough to overcome Billy's rehearsed key changes and hip pops, but it's still something to be proud of. The kid has talent and that's nothing to sneeze at, even if this is as far as his Voice journey goes.

   Winner: Billy Gilman

2. Natasha Bure vs. Riley Elmore
   Song: "Cry Me A River"
   Team: Adam

   Natasha comes out and owns, making the song fit her quirky style, but Adam's still Adam and bro's gonna bro: he chooses Riley, despite the fact that Riley is Boring with a capital B. That's not to say that Riley doesn't have his good points -- his tone is great -- but we've all been to this rodeo several times before and know that his style will only carry him so far before his limited stylistic range plateaus him in the competition.

   Winner: Riley Elmore

3. Dan Shafer vs. Sundance Head
   Song: "Feel Like Makin' Love"
   Team: Blake

   Dan should win this because his name isn't Sundance, but also because he works the stage and doesn't get stuck behind his mic stand and guitar (memo to Sundance: when Bette Midler tells you to look up from your guitar, you look up from your guitar!). And yet: this decision is up to Blake, so of course he picks the dude most likely to be found in a honky tonk. It's unfortunate, but not exactly surprising.

   Winner: Sundance Head

4. Christian Cuevas Vs. Jason Warrior
   Song: "Hello"
   Team: Alicia

   Christian vs. Jason is sure to become the case study in the coaching style of Ms. Keys. From the offbeat song choice to the direction to emote rather than to over-stylize, she prizes originality and feeling over technical perfection. As a result, the two rehearse as a duet, and while there's no fire in their battle, there is a stark contrast between Christian's following of Alicia's direction and Jason's flaunting of his technical abilities. Jason wins, hands down, but Alicia still chooses Christian anyway.

   Winner: Christian Cuevas
   Steal: Jason Warrior to Team Adam

5. Lauren Diaz vs. Wé McDonald
   Song: "Maybe"
   Team: Alicia

   Something about this battle feels overwrought, and that something is Lauren herself. While Wé is her charming, Macy Grey-esque self, Lauren seemingly lets the pressure get to her, starting off pitchy, and ending in an exasperated flurry of forced vocal inflections. But the two do harmonize well together, even as they stand alone and differentiate themselves through their style and delivery. In the end, the Battle isn't even a close call, with Wé running away with the win because she's naturally the coolest. Lauren should take lessons in chill from her, in addition to lessons in vocal control.

   Winner: Wé McDonald
   Steal: Lauren Diaz to Team Miley

6. Ali Caldwell vs. Courtnie Ramirez
   Song: "Hit Or Miss"
   Team: Miley

   Ali and Courtnie are both exceedingly sassy, but only one is quite old enough to carry off the attitude without seeming over-eager. Ali's maturity allows her to carry the battle away, but Courtnie is left, as Blake says, strutting around the stage like a cute chicken. The falsetto flourishes that Ali adds to the ends of her lyrics put her that much further ahead, and she wins this game, set, and match with only minimal effort. But: Courtnie's still in this, and the idea of her working on her chill with Alicia is pretty exciting.

   Winner: Ali Caldwell
   Steal: Courtnie Diaz to Team Alicia